There’s A Monster At The End Of This Book!
A Boss At The End of This Blog.
[Description: The cover of the beloved children's book "The Monster at the End of This Book" by Jon Stone from the Sesame Street series. The cover prominently features Grover, a blue, furry monster, waving cheerfully with a big smile and saying, "Hello, everybodeee!" in a speech bubble. The title is displayed in pink and yellow lettering on a white background, framed in green. Below the title, it reads, "starring LOVABLE, FURRY OLD GROVER" in bold yellow text.
The scene takes place in a charming cartoon depiction of Sesame Street, with a brick wall, a green street sign reading "SESAME ST." on a lamppost, and a trash can visible on the left-hand side.]
When I was a kid, I had the book The Monster at the End of This Book by Jon Stone and illustrations by Michael Smollin (the version featured in this blog), I thought it was soooo funny! The “Monster” at the end of the book is clearly Grover and he doesn’t know it, so he’s scared and he builds a brick wall and ties the pages down with rope and each turn of the page aggravates him. It’s really a fun book, where you the reader, feel like part of the story — as though Grover is talking directly to you. You keep pushing Grover to the end of the book where he realizes the “Monster” is him. And you both laugh and laugh at the outcome! HA!
Lately, I feel like Grover.
Consulting wasn’t part of my original career plan, it wasn’t something I even thought of, it just happened by circumstance. Maybe that’s the case for most.
I had just moved to Terschelling (a Dutch island of 5,000 people in the North Sea accessible by a 2 hour Ferry) from Calgary and had convinced the company I worked for to let me continue working remotely from the Netherlands. I knew my job prospects in 2018 (before remote work was cool) would be washing dishes, cleaning hotel rooms, or similar, on the island especially as I don’t speak Dutch. Jobs in my chosen career would have been extremely limited unless we lived on the mainland. Thankfully, my previous employer was happy to try out a remote work option and it worked out so well that I remained in that role for a couple years.
And that is how I started my ZZP (Dutch term for Freelance) business. I had one client and only one client and I acted like I was an employee, freelancing was simply a way to get paid legally. I switched roles in 2020 and worked for a UK agency for a couple years and once again, being freelance was simply a mechanism to get paid. One client and I could feel like an employee.
Except it wasn’t working. I continued to struggle because I wasn’t actually being treated like an employee. I was being treated like a contract worker. I wouldn’t get the same perks as the employees (it’s tough to see team members get thoughtful gifts because they bought their first house or surprise flowers for their birthday in the group chat but then get nothing when similar milestones happened to me. Being far away couldn’t be the only reason?), I wouldn’t get the same work feedback, I wasn’t getting professional development opportunities, and most of all I wasn’t getting promoted. The last one hit hardest. How do I grow in my career as a freelance professional?
I need to be challenged and grow in my professional and personal life. I try to push myself to be better and to rise to new challenges.
The writing on the wall said that I needed to embrace being my own boss, to being a consultant. Yet, I felt like Grover, I was too scared.
[Description: Page 2 and 3 from "The Monster at the End of This Book", On the left side, Grover looks wide-eyed and worried, with his arms raised and a large thought bubble containing the bold, pink text: "WHAT DID THAT SAY?" outlined in black. On the right side, speech bubbles emphasize Grover's growing apprehension. One bubble reads, "On the cover, what did that say? Did that say there will be a Monster at the end of this book???" The word "Monster" is highlighted in red for emphasis. Below it, a yellow speech bubble with large orange letters says, "IT DID?" followed by smaller text in red: "Oh, I am so scared of Monsters!!!"]
Oh, I am so scared of Monsters Being My Own Boss!!!!
I would make changes, I would pivot, the pages of my career would continue to turn. And I would create my own obstacles like Grover building a brick wall to create a barrier between him and the end of the book.
Obstacles like applying for jobs and then getting too nervous to quit consulting to take the job because it would also mean asking my husband to move to a new town (see this blog on that whole debate). Obstacles like not being present in making real decisions and choices about my career but rather going with the flow.
I continued to outsource most of my consulting responsibilities. I worked through agencies so that I never needed to worry about sales, being the boss, or marketing myself as a brand.
It also meant I didn’t have much control over what projects I worked on, how client relationships were going, project timelines, and whether I was growing my expertise as I wanted. And I still told myself that was better than being my own boss.
Yet, those pages continued to turn.
[Description: A lively and animated page from "The Monster at the End of This Book", showcasing Grover in an exaggerated pose of distress. On the left, Grover throws his arms up in panic, looking upwards with wide eyes and a dramatic expression. His fur is slightly ruffled, and colorful stars and lightning bolts surround him to emphasize his frantic state. On the right, large, bold text in orange and green reads: "YOU TURNED ANOTHER PAGE!" Below it, Grover exclaims, "You do not know what you are doing to me!" in a mix of plain and colorful text. At the bottom, bold, vibrant letters in yellow and black declare, "Now... STOP TURNING PAGES!" with the word "STOP" emphasized for dramatic effect.]
Last year, I reached a breaking point. Like Grover, I threw my hands in the air and said, “STOP” except my stop was that I needed to do something different. I needed to shake myself and figure shit out.
The Sailor and I had been balancing between two different possible futures for close to 8 years. For me that meant -
A career woman, wife, and immigrant
A mother, career woman, and immigrant
Because my husband is a Sailor, being a mother would require me to be the sole parent for 6 weeks at a time, what my career would look like would be very different than if I didn’t have kids. 8 years is a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time to try for kids, to wish for clarity on one’s life path, to imagine future(s) that don’t exist.
So last year, it was time to stop the pages from turning too fast, to slow things down.
And we got some answers last year. I got clarity on my future. In more than one way.
I took a sabbatical from consulting through my agency partners. I focused my energy on IVF and making Future #2 happen. It didn’t.
A friend reached out to me just before my sabbatical and asked me to work with the nonprofit she was part of. The organization and their work intrigued me. The project intrigued me. It all looked too good to pass up on.
The twist? It would be my client, I would be the boss on this one.
I would set the timeline, the deliverables, manage the client relationship, manage the team (I asked another superstar consultant to help me with this project) and be the Boss.
[Description: A humorous and chaotic scene from "The Monster at the End of This Book" where Grover finds himself buried under a massive pile of reddish bricks. Only one furry blue hand pops out from under the rubble. Above the rubble, a speech bubble emerges from Grover, with the text: "Do you know that you are very strong?" The background shows cracks and damage to the pages, further emphasizing the comedic destruction caused by the readers' actions.]
Do you know that you are very strong?
No Grover, I needed that reminder.
That project was the reminder I needed. I created a timeline that was more flexible and when the client needed more time, I was flexible. There was no outside pressure or stress, it was between me and my client. When the project deliverables didn’t feel like enough, when I wanted to share more of my process so the client could learn more, have more information, I did that. When I needed to delegate who did what on our project team, I could give the stuff I didn’t like to my associate (ha!) but it actually worked out really well because her skills balanced mine out (she liked the tasks), and when I felt unsure on how to handle something, I was honest with my team mate, she’s more experienced than me in leading projects so she gave me really helpful advice. The project pushed me out of my comfort zone in some ways while also being within my wheelhouse of skills.
I realized, being my own boss, could be so much better than I imagined.
[Description: The final page of "The Monster at the End of This Book." On the left, Grover speaks through a speech bubble, saying, "Well, look at that! This is the end of the book, and the only one here is... ME." The word "ME" is written in large, bold, pink text surrounded by small hearts and arrows. He continues, "I, lovable, furry old GROVER, am the Monster at the end of this book. And you were so SCARED!" The word "GROVER" is in bold, blue lettering, while "SCARED" is in bold red for emphasis. On the right, Grover looks directly at the reader, smiling warmly and shrugging, as if to say, "See, there was nothing to fear." Behind him, the words "THE END" appear in big, yellow, blocky letters. Another speech bubble adds, "I told you and told you there was nothing to be afraid of."]
Well look at that! This is the end of the book, and the only one here is… ME.
Taking time to slow down allowed me to reflect and refine my career goals. There’s that bumper sticker that says, “Jesus, take the wheel!”? Well, I had been giving Jesus the wheel a little too long. Now, I need to get back into the driver’s seat.
What I learned the past few years is that I like:
Grassroots and start-up organizations
Wearing multiple hats and seeing marketing and fundraising holistically working together, being involved in both
Multi-cultural and international audiences and organizations
Interim or temp support where I can really be part of the team for a longer period, having an opportunity to implement strategies
Experimenting and trying new ideas
The pages turned and I made it to the end of the book where I am the boss, ready to embrace being a consultant. Honestly, I’m not scared but more nervous -
Is my business brand too funny?
Will I attract the kind of client projects I’m interested in?
Can I network and sell my services?
I attended an online conference for fundraising consultants called Fractional/Shift and it was so so empowering. All consultants feel this way, being your own boss and feeling the above feelings just go hand in hand. The conference speakers all spoke of having an attitude or belief of abundance. That being your authentic self will draw in the kind of clients who are your people. That you will attract likeminded souls and there’s always more than enough work to go around. We can all be successful.
Because the monster at the end of the book is not a monster at all. He was lovable furry old Grover. Our monster worries are never as bad as we imagine them to be.
I’m still going to work through the agency partners because I appreciate and like the project opportunities they give me. But I’m also going to create space for my own clients. Create space to attract the projects and people that will challenge and grow my career in the direction I would like it to go.
And maybe that also means I pivot again and find the dream job, where I work for a nonprofit as an employee, I’m keeping that option open too. Because for the first time in a long time, I feel a renewed sense of professional direction. I know which boxes I would like checked whether it’s as a consultant or as an employee.
It’s time to start a new book because I’ve reached the end of this one.