How did you decide where to call home?
My husband (aka The Sailor) and I are going through what we’ve termed a time of transition, we’re not yet at the end of the transition tunnel; there’s some partial light in sight, I think.
One of our big questions is “Where do we live?”
The Sailor and I are from different countries, I am Canadian and he is Dutch. And when we met and even when we married, neither one of us wanted to move to the other’s country. Intercultural couples who have a partner that actually wants to give up their home and live in the other’s are so lucky—how easy! 😉 But that’s not the case here.
For the first 7 years, The Sailor came to Canada every time he was off the ship. Then he reached his limit and I begrudgingly moved to The Netherlands. It’s been 7 years or almost 7 years since I moved here. I have Dutch citizenship now and for the most part, have integrated well. However, it’s been a hard slog, it’s been mentally challenging. The pandemic didn’t help either because where The Sailor could go home for a few days before/after joining the ship, I couldn’t fly home and didn’t fly home for 4 years at the longest stretch (2 of which can be blamed on COVID). We’ve since made an agreement that I need to go home once a year at least but that might still be rather optimistic when there’s a whole world I want to explore and we don’t have unlimited money. I digress, last year I needed a change, and so our time of transition was kicked off by a stint living in Spain. We lasted about 8 months and then came back to the Netherlands. Our house is still rented out and now we’re trying life on the mainland.
Let me tell you about Terschelling
[Description: "My favorite photo of Terschelling. A picturesque winter scene in a small Dutch village. A tall, rectangular brick lighthouse from 1594 dominates the centre of the photo. The streets and rooftops are dusted in fresh snow. Surrounding the tower are charming, traditional Dutch-style buildings, some with gabled roofs, housing small shops and cafes. The street is lined with bare trees (it is winter) and vintage-style lampposts, adding a rustic charm."
Terschelling (sounds like Ter-shell-ing) is one of the Frisian (sounds like Frizz-E-an) islands in the North of the Netherlands. There’s a band of 5 islands and Terschelling is the biggest. Don’t get excited by big, we’re talking 5,000 inhabitants and you can drive across the island in about 30 minutes. This is not Vancouver Island my Canadian friends, this is Salt Spring Island or Bowen Island. This is the hometown of The Sailor, he is a true born and raised Terschellinger.
I remember once learning about Island Mentality, that being on an island without as much free access to everything, there’s more kinship and taking care of one another. There’s more need to be sustainable and make things last. So the community comes together more to support each other.
Speaking with my father-in-law this past weekend, I asked him what he missed most about the island, he’s 71 and has lived on the island his whole life. He would know what’s changed!
He said, “I miss how much community activity there was, how the neighbours came together more, so much of that is gone now because there are more outsiders on the island now.” Basically, he feels that the island mentality is being lost, that it used to be stronger.
My husband loves that about Terschelling, he loves the strong bonds of the community, he loves that he knows almost everyone and feels welcome wherever he goes. He loves the island so much because he is an insider to the island community.
I feel like an outsider to the island life but I also struggle to love that island mentality and embrace it.
Let me tell you about Calgary
[Description: “The view of the Bow River from my Grandma’s house in Calgary. A peaceful autumn landscape featuring a calm river cutting through a scenic area. The foreground includes a grassy area scattered with fallen yellow leaves, hinting at the season. A fire pit sits off-centre, suggesting a spot for outdoor gatherings. The river flows gently through the middle of the image, with its opposite bank lined by trees in vibrant shades of yellow and orange, marking the height of fall foliage. Beyond the trees, rolling hills are visible under a partially cloudy sky.”
Calgary (sounds like Cal-GARY but some might pronounce it CAL-gree) is between the mountains and the prairies. It’s a small city of 1.4 million people. I am not a born and raised Calgarian. I adopted Calgary as my adult hometown in my twenties.
I love Calgary! It feels like a small town and has the character of a small town but all the amenities and benefits of a city. I make a new friend within 6 months every time I move to Calgary. There’s nature in the city and the mountains are never too far away when I need more. The photo above is taken from my Grandma’s backyard, you wouldn’t even know you were in the city looking at the scenery. Calgary welcomed me with open arms when I moved here at 17 and every time I came back from my youthful adventures. There was always a home base for me to launch myself from, there was always a community I could reinvent myself with, there was always a feeling of hope and optimism.
Opposites attract and all that jazz?!
Maybe you’re starting to see the juxtaposition between the Sailor and I? Let me make it even more clear -
Michelle Likes
Mountains
Cities
Freedom
The Sailor likes
Oceans and Seas
Villages
Boundaries (forced by ferries)
Where do we live where we can both be happy?
In our relationship, we have lived in multiple places, Victoria (BC, Canada), Calgary (AB, Canada), Terschelling (Netherlands), Ingolstadt (Germany during a study abroad for me), Malaga (Spain), and now we’re currently trying life on the mainland in a small town in Friesland (Netherlands). We know where we don’t want to live 🤣
The Sailor doesn’t want to live in Calgary, although he has pitched the idea of living in the small town I grew up in. I love that hometown but I don’t want to live in that small town either. Honestly, I realize I can’t live in Calgary either. There’s this weather phenomenon called Chinooks (Shin-ooh-ks) due to wind or weather systems coming over the Rocky Mountains. It means that Calgary has some sharp weather changes which I used to love, a surprisingly warm day in the middle of winter (fantastic!) or snow in June (hilarious!). But after I became deaf those Chinooks often lead to more hearing loss (which is a huge bummer!) because my ears can’t process the barometric pressure changes and that physically leads me to lose more hearing. So Calgary is out.
I don’t want to live in Terschelling, I don’t have the right vibe for the place, I often feel like an outsider and lonely there. I actually really love the house we bought and wish I could move the house and property to some unknown locale that makes both The Sailor and I happy. Our Terschelling house is adorable and perfect (see below).
So The Sailor hasn’t been happy living in Canada and I haven’t been happy living on Terschelling. Where do we live? It’s time for us to find a solution that works for both of us because it’s not fair for one of us to always sacrifice that feeling of “home.”
[Description: Look at this adorable brick bungalow, I call home. This charming single-story brick house with a neatly maintained front yard features a white-framed bay window with a red-and-white striped retractable awning, and a small circular window just below the roof peak. A lush pink rhododendron bush is in full bloom near the front wall, while the foreground prominently displays a pink rose bush with a fully bloomed rose in soft focus. The surrounding lawn is green with a few patches of dry grass because Michelle is a lazy gardener, and there are big trees on each side of the house and neighboring houses visible in the background.]
What does Home mean?
It’s difficult to put words to the feeling that is home and I suspect it’s different for everyone. What does home mean to you? For me, I think it means freedom because as The Sailor and I have been exploring the topic of where to live, where to take root, the word freedom comes up alot for me. Freedom to be my weird, wonderful self; freedom to leave and come back; freedom to have more than one circle of friends and personalities (more like to explore versions of myself through varying friends); freedom to be anonymous; freedom to be a hermit; freedom to be me.
I asked the Sailor and he responded with “Terschelling” do you see what I’m working with here?! 🤣 I got him to expand more and he said, “On Terschelling, I feel safe, home is about feeling safe and secure.” We chatted a little more and the theme of family came up, that he’s expanded his definition of home to be about where family is. I think that that feeling of home being safe and secure is actually wrapped up in the same feeling of family for him. On Terschelling, The Sailor has a whole lotta family and friends he’s had for most of his life that probably also feel like family. I think home for The Sailor is about being close to family.
How did you decide where to live?
Recently, I’ve been curious how people choose their home towns and communities, why they choose to settle where they do?
I asked a random selection of people both older and same age as me and boy I didn’t like the response. Can I just say, either this was a terrible sampling, or we have a real patriarchal problem! I think all but one couple responded that it was the home town of the man in the relationship. 🤮 So now, I need to cast a wider net because that answer is not going to help me.
I’ve opened the comments below and you can also send me a private message (mb@michellebergsma.com) to share what led you to call your community home. I welcome any advice, thoughts, or tips, as we try to find a place where both my husband and I can be happy and settled.
We’re currently on the mainland and that’s been going really well. We dream of scenarios while we share possible houses to buy in towns we never heard of in this province. We try to think outside the box…
“What if we lived 6 months on the island and 6 months wherever Michelle wants?”
“What if we stayed on the island but bought an RV and took it on adventures whenever the need for freedom comes knocking?”
“What if we built a tiny house in our backyard and rented the main house and bought a new house on the mainland but we would still have the freedom to visit the island whenever we wanted?”
“WHAT IF…?”
What if we found the perfect solution and we could both be happy?