Imprints of kindness.
Imagine if we knew which actions, words, and everyday kindness were our lasting legacies?
This past week I learned that a friend of my Mom’s, Jane, recently passed away. My Mom and Jane worked together back in the 90’s and kept in contact even after my Mom moved to a different city. Jane was older than my mom and lived a long life, I think her passing was what we all hope for — old age and a life well lived. I sent a condolence card to Jane’s children and when I write condolence cards, I like to share a story / fond memory of them.
I think sharing stories is a way for the family to feel a new connection of their loved one, maybe for the moment it’s a bittersweet laugh, maybe it’s an exhale of shared loss, or maybe it’s something else that I can’t put words to.
Buying a condolence card in Dutch is something else, I know that the Dutch word, “Deelneming” (sounds like deal-name-ing) is the equivalent of condolences but that’s not its direct translation. It directly translates to “participation.” What do you think of the use of participation in this context?
Description: A blue watercolour background, the colour of a rainy day, an overcast sky. The words "Met Oprechte Deelneming" in gold and a little gold heart overlap the watercolor sky. A Dutch condolence card example. Translation - “With Sincere Participation”
At first, I thought it was a strange choice and thought the translator app made a mistake so I mentioned it to the Sailor. He said, “In Dutch, we like to say, I’m participating in your grief, that’s why deelneming means participation.” When framed like that, I think it’s a beautiful sentiment, a more accurate representation of what I hope to convey with my stories. I hope to share with Jane’s children that, in a small way, I am participating in their grief, and that Jane left a mark in my life.
JANE
Copyright: Ravelry “Grandma’s Slippers” pattern
Jane used to knit slippers for us, the kind that look like a ballet flat, are a little bit stretchy, and every Canadian house seems to have a couple of pairs floating around. I think she lived in our neighbourhood and often went on walks because my sister and I would regularly see her on these walks when we were playing outside in the yard. She would stop and chat with us, I don’t remember what about except that she would invite us to come with her to church specifically to try Sunday school. We never did. Jane was part of the cast that made up our childhood. The maker of slippers and small chat.
Then around puberty, I was an early bloomer, sometime around 10 or 11, I was getting the lady bumps. I noticed that the other girls in my class weren’t or at least not as noticeably. My Mom didn’t seem to notice. I don’t think the people closest to me really noticed. I was starting to get insecure or uncomfortable with these new developments because I think we can all agree it’s noticeable when a woman isn’t wearing a bra and all that jazz. Now imagine being 10 or 11 and dealing with that shit.
One day, my Mom says that Jane dropped off some knitted slippers for us and a couple training bras. We didn’t know about training bra’s, apparently this is something that trains young girls before real bras. I remember the packaging saying something to that effect. It was quite the surprise. For me, it was a much needed surprise gift. I felt relieved. I felt more comfortable after that with my growing body.
Looking back, I think it was brave of Jane to buy training bras and give them to my Mom for us. Nowadays, it might seem intrusive on my Mom’s parenting to do something Mom hadn’t. Some moms might be offended by the gesture. I don’t know if my Mom even remembers this or if she cared. Jane was religious, so maybe it was assumed the gift was a reflection of more conservative beliefs. Jane had a daughter, so maybe she recognized what was happening to me before my Mom did, from experience. I don’t know.
What I do know is that it met a need I had, one I didn’t know how to vocalize for myself. I felt seen by Jane and that small gesture is part of who I am today.
Copyright: TinyBuddha.com
Description: A long quote (typed below in the upcoming text too) on a mustard yellow background. A cartoon heart hugging another heart is in the right bottom corner.
THE ADVICE YOU GIVE HAS MADE A DIFFERENCE
I came across this quote on social media and it stuck with me -
“Your Impact is bigger than you think. Someone still giggles when they think of that funny thing you said. Someone still smiles when they think of the compliment you gave them. Someone silently admires you. The advice you give has made a difference for people. The support and love you’ve offered others has made someone’s day. Your input and opinions have made someone think twice. You’re not insignificant and forgotten. Your existence makes a positive difference, whether you see it or not.”
- TinyBuddha.com
We make a difference and most of the time, it’s not when we think we do. I’m often surprised when a friend tells me that I gave them advice that resonated and it’s often not when I try to. The thing is, I usually don’t know what resonated the most in my relationships. I know that I give good advice because I feel like I give a lot of it 😂. No, seriously because friends and family often ask for my thoughts on matters. But what I think is meaningful versus what other people think, is often different. This holds true when someone gives me advice and imparts their pearls of wisdom too. Do they know which advice has stuck with me?
THE CONVENIENCE STORE CLERK
When I was in my first year of College, 18 or 19, I rented a room in a shared basement suite near the campus, a short 10 minute bus ride. The bus stop was in front of a convenience store called Macs, a Canadian 7/11 type deal. For readers in Calgary, it was just off Crowchild Trail SW, near the Pfantastic Panenkoeken Haus, which is Dutch Pancakes and some serious foreshadowing of my future. I lived a ten-minute walk, just around the corner from this small strip of shops. I quickly became a regular at the Macs buying my junk food snacks there on my way home.
At this time, I was also in my party youth days, my new group of friends liked to smoke cigarettes and after a few drinks, I would ask to bum a smoke off them. So Party Michelle liked to drink and smoke cigarettes. Since it only happened when I was drinking, I didn’t consider myself a smoker. That was my alter ego and she didn’t count.
It was a few months of this and one night I found myself craving a smoke. I was home alone. I wasn’t out at a party. Yet, I kept thinking about how much I wanted a singular smoke. Like an itch that needed to be scratched. So, I went to the convenience store to buy a pack of cigarettes and scratch that itch.
The cigarettes are behind the Cashier desk. The Cashier this evening was a man as old as my parents, somewhere between 40-50 years, South Asian and around 5”8. I knew him but not his name, I often bought my goodies from him and made small chat. On this night, I ask for a pack of cigarettes and he is surprised, this is a big deviation from my usual bag of chips or chocolates. He says he didn’t know I smoked. I mentioned that I do when I party and that on this particular night I was craving a smoke. He tells me -
"I started smoking when I was young and then as an adult I wanted to quit. It was the hardest thing to quit smoking cigarettes and I wish I had never started it. Please don’t buy the smokes, you will regret becoming a smoker, it will be very difficult to quit smoking in the future. You don’t need these.”
Did I listen? Hell no! I was a stubborn teenager, saying no to me was like challenging me. So to the Cashier’s disappointment, I pressed on and bought those smokes.
It was brave of him to share his experience with me and to try to stop me or at least make me think about the long-term consequences of my actions. And he likely thought that his advice was a flop that he didn’t make the impact he had hoped to.
Except he did!
When I returned home with my box of ciggies, I opened the package, pulled out a smoke, and lit it up. It was wintertime in Calgary, it was cold outside, minus something maybe 10. My roommate came home and was surprised to see me smoking, I repeated the same thing - “usually when I’m drunk…” then she went inside and I was alone. It was nighttime, I was in the alley next to the bins, puffing on my ciggy, left to my thoughts. I thought about what the Cashier said. Then the epiphany hit and it hit hard, “What was I doing?!?! I’m smoking and I’m not even drunk right now! THIS IS HOW IT STARTS”
I made a plan, I decided that my Alter Ego also needed to quit smoking because she was starting to affect daytime Michelle. I kept that pack of smokes at home and when I went to party with my friends, I told myself that when I wanted to bum a ciggy, I wouldn’t, instead if I still wanted that smoke when I got home, I could have it. By the time I got home, I forgot all about wanting to smoke. So that pack remained untouched. Then a friend’s dad was passing through town and he was a smoker. He stayed a night at my place because I had a spare room he could use. He saw the pack and asked about it. This time my answer was that he could have the pack because I didn’t want or need it anymore.
The Cashier did save me from becoming a life-long smoker. It’s not that I never have the odd cigarette, Party Michelle still likes the odd smoke, but overall I’ve never made a habit out of it. In my twenties when I partied more, I recognized the signs when the odd cigarette was turning into more, because I always thought of the Cashier trying to stop me from buying that pack of smokes that one time.
He doesn’t know that his speaking up, his moment of breaking the social protocol (doing his job) would leave a kindness imprint.
Copyright: TinyBuddha.com
Description: A white square with a flowery frame. Inside is a long quote (included below in the upcoming paragraph) by TinyBuddha
YOU LEAVE A MARK, AN IMPRINT, MAKE IT ONE OF KINDNESS
Another one of those social media quotes that happened to come up on my feed and surprisingly from the same source, TinyBuddha, says -
“You might think that you don’t matter in this world, but because of you someone has a favorite mug to drink their tea out of each morning that you bought them. Someone hears a song on the radio and it reminds them of you. Someone has read a book you recommended to them and gotten lost in its pages. Someone’s remembered a joke you told them and smiled to themselves on the bus. Never think you don’t have an impact. Your fingerprints can’t be wiped away from the little marks of kindness that you’ve left behind.”
I love this quote because it makes me wonder what little gifts have left “fingerprints” on the souls of the people I have connected with over the years. I also love this quote because I immediately start to think about…
The jokes I share with my sister and try to explain to the Sailor.
Music I still listen to and artists I still like because an old friend introduced me to it
My ability to drive calmly (mostly) in the city because an ex-boyfriend helped me practice and gave me tips on city driving when I was 20 so I could get my driver’s license
That dragonflies, Cinderella, wrestling, a giant elephant, and other random things make me think of random people with a smile
The advice I received about dating from that one friend which helped me meet the Sailor
And so much more…
In these derisive times, wouldn’t it be nice if we all focused on how we could create positive marks on one another. It’s up there with “Why can’t we have world peace and end racism?” I know it sounds naive and simple. But why can’t we all try to leave imprints of kindness on the people we encounter each day?
Jane and the Cashier didn’t know the legacy they would leave in my life. The imprints of kindness that mattered. I don’t know what mine are. I hope that I make the same marks for others and that I create positive impacts often. I hope one day when I die, the Sailor receives loads of cards with honest stories of how I touched their life. Most of all, I hope if there is a Big Boss in the sky, that they play a movie where I can see all the memories other people hold of me. That I may see the ripples I made in this world.